Insomnia

I can't sleep. In fact I haven't been able to sleep for the past couple days. I sleep for an hour or two and then wake up and lay there for another hour or two. I think I'm stressed. Excited. Nervous. Scared. Anxious. Scared. Scared. Scared. Or E, all of the above. I write better than I talk, and writing leads to rambling and rambling leads to venting. And since there is no way you can talk back right now, I am talking at you. Or at myself and you just happen to be the person who gets to read it when they wake up in the morning.

Do you ever feel like you're just waiting for something to happen? Almost as if you are waiting for life to happen to you, not around you. I'm so tense right now and so unsure of what the hell I am doing. Or what I'm going to be doing. Why am I moving? Why am I picking up my life and dropping it onto the coast of Florida, alone. Well alone plus Lincoln. Am I running from something? Am I trying to prove a point? It's not that I don't like my family. It's not that. I love my family, although love isn't a word used very often in this household. My parents say it to one another, but I can't remember the last time I heard my dad use that word toward my brother or I. The words I love you are uncomfortable to say. Is that weird? We don't talk about feelings. Things are just assumed. And assumptions lead to miscommunication and never seeing eye to eye. My dad and I are too much alike and we're butting heads lately. About everything. You name it, we get in an argument about it. Whether its me having a short temper or him being too bullheaded to hear my point of view without making assumptions, there's a disagreement. There was another disagreement last night. My life is full of so many unknowns right now I can't take it. He wanted to know specific dates for moving. I don't have specific dates. I don't even know if I will be moving. I don't even know if I'm going to pass my test. No passing equals no moving. And no moving means getting stuck in the valley. It's like a black hole. There is no room for growth. Everyone who stays here gets stagnant and complacent in their lives. The thought of it is suffocating. And frightening.

I feel trapped right now. I'm back in a place where I grew up and I feel like I'm fighting for air. It's like I need to come up for air and I can't. I feel smothered and anxiety levels are high. I'm pulled in ten different directions except nothing is pulling me. It's like my own expectations for myself that are pulling me. I'm almost trying to make an excuse for failure to be an option just so I won't feel so bad if the unmentionable happens and I don't pass my test. Is this normal? Do we prepare ourselves for the worst so that when the best ends up happening we are that more appreciative?